Russian Women talk about Men, Dating, Marriage, Family, Values, MoneyWhen I was dating I remember constantly being smothered with that giant question like a bloated bear was sitting on my head, refusing to move. To magically stumble upon The One like finding the gold at the end of a rainbow that is being carried by a unicorn with leprechaun jockey. Marriage is like rolling Play-Doh, the more two different colors are meshed together the harder it becomes to distinguish one from another. In marriage you begin to rub off on each other, subtly taking on traits and characteristics of the other. Does this thought excite you or does it make you feel like you just digested a can of the before mentioned Play-Doh? Yes in marriage you still are your own person. And you need to have your own identity beyond your spouse.
You made some great key points. You mentioned that he abandoned his wife and three kids. That in essence speaks for itself. No need to go further.
I would ask him everyday… Have you spoke to your girls? How can a man not communicate and take care of his kids? I had to cut ties with him. Plus, in these current times, I can understand being concerned about three young daughters with a new, unknown commodity of a middle-aged man miles away. Where things went awry was when he zoned out on me, I wrote him a lengthy, heartfelt e-mail trying to figure out what was happening to him, and to us.
Despite e-mails and texts back and forth since that time until Thanksgiving, I never saw him again. To add crisis to crisis, my XBF of some long standing, now gone for 5 years, moved back to my state last Saturday and stopped by the other night to see how I was doing!
I suspect that he wants to get together, but I am dead inside from the most recent XBF turmoil. I am so exhausted by these two that I am committing to spending the summer with my two pups while swimming the months away! Seriously, what is wrong with them? I know right? That connection just has to be there. You state that your XBF came by to visit. So the devil knew that I was vunerable during that time that he asked me out and we started dating.
I think we women have to be careful of the things that suddenly pop back into our lives cause at the end of the day it could be the same story just a different chapter.
Same player… same games… and then we are left wondering DAM not again!! Its been my first 30 days of NC from my narcissist EX… and its about to be 30 more days.
Best of luck to you, JJ. It sounds like you too have had some hard times. I feel nothing for the XBF — it has been 61 months since we last spoke, and since I last saw him. What energy I have I must preserve for me, my work, and my dogs. I will just try to coast for a while, and see what happens. As for the other one…it is hard for me to stop playing the audio- and videotapes in my head of our relationship, or to make any sense of it. Great post! My ex-boyfriend and I shared a ton of interests.
Not so much. This was a good if painful lesson that meshing values really have to be top priority, and that I have to consciously hold out this priority as I assess each new man I meet! So many men AND woman say they want one thing, but they truly are looking for something else. I think a careful evaluation of core values will keep me from justifying a realtionship that is very charged with sexual chemistry.
Two years ago I was jettisoned from what was essentially a three year booty call!
He wanted frequent sex and I wanted a connection to a man who looked good on paper. It was a disastor because of the difference in our values. Today I passed him at sporting event for our children. I am so relieved to be away from him. His dumping me and moving on to a new victim is very liberating.
However, I need to be very mindful of my pattern to put up with incredible crap if the sex is decent. In fact in some cases the sex was less than satisfactory but I have always had a very strong romantic streak that made me justify any man with whom I was sexual.
Now I am going to have much stronger boudaries for sexual involvement and look for really great compatibility out the bed room first. I can just hear me telling some hot guy…. I just need to know that we are compatible outside the bedroom.
Hope this works …… I enjoy thinking about this strategy and how much power it gives me. Secondary 1. Likes the same music, hobbies 2. Our famiilies like each other. He makes me laugh. I think the opposite of this can happen, too. Maria I completely agree. Unfortunately the little narcissist in all of us may believe that we are special enough to make him see the error of his ways, We will evantually bring out the goodness in him with our penetrating warm glow!
Yeah right. Never happens. You cannot change someone else, they can only do that for themselves. The problem is that it can take many painful years to come to this realisation.
For those who desperately want some payback for their emotional investment it is heartbreaking to realise that this will never happen. And they have really been wasting their time.
You are so right. If you think you can change a Nar and an EUM you may as well forget about it.Values, Virtues, Vice, and Dating: Ethics as the Missing Link to Love, Happiness, & the Good Life
The only way that you yourself can help them is by removing them from your life period and that means all the way. These type of men cannot be helped by a woman. Core values and all that crap are out the window too with these type of men.
To JJ… percent agree. As these men behave like naughty children the only real way to respond it to teach them a language they understand — consequence for their actions. This is a tricky one.
They may have felt that they had nowhere to go from that point as it sounds like an uncomfortable situation. If she was your friend, and she screwed up, and you told her so, when she offered to compromise, even though it followed you getting annoyed, it was an opportunity to move on and give the benefit of the doubt.
She may have thought you were cutting off your nose to spite your face, or being mean. Just like she wanted to see me squirm back then, she may have wanted to see me squirm now; you see?
Why we Focus on your Personal Values
She is stalking your husband! But the location she initially proposed was bad for her and me it was far from where we both usually work downtown. I was really gathering from my own experience with a Narcissisist in which I never did follow through and leave when I should have. This just acted like a turbo boost for his cruelty and he would continue unafraid of consequence as time after time I had not implemented any!
Take me as I am. So she was shocked with what I did. Dear Used — exactly that! I have struggled with this cycle of behaviour for years and he has got worse and worse, continually pushing boundaries. I know all about passive aggression, am sorry you have experienced that too!
However a normal empathetic person does not need to be repeatedly told that their behaviour is unacceptable! They can manage it themselves. The fact that your friend was surprised when you told them where to go I guess means that they were quite damaged in their mind to think they had done nothing wrong??
Olivia… it is definitely all about them. When I was dating my Nar it was all about him. He was never concerned with my feelings. And he was trying to get his USE out of ME By telling me he needed this paid and that paid… I could not have sex withhim unless I paid a bill or something. It did not start out like that believe me. He saw me as a way to his supply. Last week my phone was flooding with calls from numbers that I could only identify during our previous short breakup cycles.
He must not be too sure of himself that I am done with him so he has others to even call and ask for the wrong person. I have never felt better. I can only pray for his next victim.
As soon as he knows that a serious committment is expected of him he is going to make a RUN for it. These type of men are incapable of giving and receiving LOVE. With them its just not happening. Now I know what to look out for…. This is why she gets along with the ex-EUM and no one else from her past.
What she does wrong you can not put a finger on you never know whether she solely, if at all, is to blameyou can not directly accuse her of, OR is passive-aggressive. See above. She was wrong for what she did; the frind was wrong for not confronting her directly.
But her behavior was such that the friend could not tell her why she was wrong without sounding like she was putting herself down.
Gimme a break! To JJ. I am so happy for you that you have found the strength to try and move on from your EUM. I hope that the next 30 days are easier than the last and then the next 30 even easier and so on until you are fully back on track to being emotionally whole again. Good luck. Multiple phonelines — one for this one, one for that. Unlike you I am only at the beginning stages of making the cut from my Nar, and like you I am finding these forums very theraputic in helping me gather the strength I need in order to start ignoring him for good.
Roots To The Soul
My EUM also calls me from different phones and expects unreasonable sexual activity. At first he was loving and passionate as yours was but now all he wants to do is fornicate in varying degrading and sadistic manners. I am slowly being turned into some sort of object and am losing my identity fast. He intimidated my work colleague to such an extent that I had to quit my job and I have recently found out he has another family and kids. Yet he does not accept responsibility for any of it.
I am 22 and should be enjoying my life to the full but instead often find myself housebound and miserable waiting for him to call, If i do venture out with friends to enjoy myself he finds away of flying into a narcissistic rage or becomes overly verbally abusive and critical.
At other times he is charming and superficially loving saying all the right things. He is the charming monster, the wolf in sheeps clothing.
How can you stay you, if you don't have your core values, the . I have been dating someone for several months and things are confusing. Psychologists say the key to getting off the dating merry-go-round Understanding your core values is at the heart of truly knowing your needs. In this day and age, more and more information about dating and how to attract the “right partner” is shared. We are training men and women to.
And I am the lamb trapped in the lions den. It is a true Nightmare on Elm Street. Except Freddy Kruger look like Brad Pitt. So awful. I hope I will be in the place where you are soon. Thankyou for your insightful posts.
That means all avenues. Should the NCR rule apply to facebook and twitter as well? Should I be keeping these pages private and does doing so apply to to NCR? The more I read this post, the more I see the narcissistic qualities manifested by my most recent XBF.
Too little…too late. Now I am going to make me happy. Run for the hills! If he meets someone else that fits his needs for that moment new housing arrangement in new state, for exampleyou will be history.
This is such a thought-provoking topic. How will you know if something feels right? How will you know if something feels wrong? How will you know when you need to step back and take action that may involve opting out?
"I want to settle down young and get married.". The first whisper reads, "I'm traditional when it comes to dating. I like having a guy "court" me and take ". For example, you could have a high value for responsibility and the person you're dating could have a high value for risk. Both values are good, but if not. Whether you're married or dating and looking to improve your relationship,. or looking for the tools needed to create the intimacy you want in.
Also compare yours and their values, so for example: If you value intimacy and companionship, and they value their solitude, doing things their way, and no matter what they profess, they consistently do things that exclude you and make you feel anything but intimate or a companion, you are incompatible. Add to favorites Related posts:.
Or is it? Share this Thanks for braking this down NML! Its clear as Crystal water. Wendy on April 30, at am.
Gayle on May 3, at am. NML on May 4, at am. Inna on April 30, at am. Valley Forge Lady on April 30, at am. Thank you for this insight…. Dawn on April 30, at pm.
Anusha on April 30, at am. Kat on April 30, at am. This has given me more strength…thanks! Imdone on April 30, at am. Virginia on April 30, at am. You are welcome and glad you have avoided putting yourself in the front line of pain! Congrats x. Nikki on April 30, at am. Moving on in on April 30, at am. Natalie- God, I wish this post was around when I was dealing with the douchebag.
Nikki…what are the core valuesthat it takes you a long time to identify? Great food for thought. Gonna re-read this later today.
These dating tips will help you find the right person and build a From a family with similar values to yours, rather than someone from a.
RoseTigger on April 30, at pm. MaryC on April 30, at pm. Brad K. ALonerAgain on April 30, at pm. Brad, You raise some good examples here, of which I have been guilty of doing: How could I ask respect from my ex or criticise him for being disrespectful when I did not value this in myself and behave in a respectful manner to him?
How could I complain about his emotional dishonesty if I was not honest with myself? Thanks NML for your generous help. Your insights and ability to convey them is priceless. Holly on May 2, at pm. Wow, Aloner Again, you have just described my last relationship to a T.
JJ2 on April 30, at pm.
When I think back over time about my dating relationships, three things ring key to me that were important in all of them. I have not been a serial. I enlisted a troop of relationship experts, psychotherapists, dating there was only one thing that was echoed by three different experts: values. Dating. shared values. While sharing the same love of Latin music and a passion for pasta might enhance your relationship, what really makes a difference is the.
Imdone on May 1, at am. JJ2 on May 2, at pm. Dazed and Confused on April 30, at pm. Res Judicata on May 1, at pm. JJ on May 1, at pm. Res Judicata You made some great key points.
JJ on May 2, at am. Res Judicata I know right? Res Judicata on May 2, at am. Melissa on May 2, at am. One of The Guys on May 2, at am. Valley Forge Lady on May 3, at am. Myrtle on May 3, at am. Natalie, Breaking it down into primary and secondary core values is really the key.
He was all the secondary core values. Primary 1. Personal values are our core beliefs, values, and philosophies that we hold about life and the world around us. Research has identified 24 cross-cultural values that we can identify as core strengths.
To learn more about your own personal values, take the Personal Values survey. For some people, finding a soulmate does happen.
For the majority of people, it is a journey of discovery. We need time to figure out what we like, what we do not like and ultimately, who we are as a person. All of us have an individual personality that ultimately values some things over others. Knowing your personal values can help you make better life choices, including choices in your dating life.
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